Holiday Boundaries for Beginners
Hi friend,
If you’ve found yourself bracing for the holidays or typically leave your holiday “break” feeling more drained than when you set out, please know that you are not alone.
The holidays can be depleting for all people, but this is especially true for people-pleasers and people in “enmeshed” families/relationships – that is, families/relationships with permeable boundaries and a lack of separateness between members, which can result in reduced feelings of autonomy and increased difficulty understanding and honoring our thoughts, needs, and feelings.
(Ever felt like you automatically assumed the needs/feelings of a relative – or that you couldn’t fully experience your own negative thoughts/feelings/needs without burdening them? That’s a sign of enmeshment . . .
. . . I still vividly recall exactly where I was sitting when my therapist first told me about this concept years ago. It was as life-changing as when she informed me that imposter syndrome is a thing. I cannot overstate the power of simply having LANGUAGE to capture and understand what you are experiencing.)
For people in these categories, drawing boundaries in order to preserve our own needs, health, and energy can feel even more anxiety-provoking, guilt-inducing, or down-right inconceivable than it is for other people.
But it IS doable. And I promise you it’s worth the effort and the willingness to surf that urge of anxiety.
A recent article by Sahaj Kaur Kohli in UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Magazine sets forth 14 super helpful tips for establishing boundaries when you’ve never been taught how.
As Kohli eloquently explains: “It’s important to remember that boundaries are not about changing other people’s behaviors, but rather about protecting your finite energy and resources. They are not walls to keep loved ones out, but rather a way to invite others to love you, too. And boundaries are not a one-size-fits-all. They look different for all of us, but it’s important to reflect on where you have agency to take care of yourself while maintaining important relationships to you.”
Here are a few of my favorite of Kohli’s tips for putting this into practice:
Reflect on your relationship with the term “boundary” – This is necessary in order to understand what’s blocked you from setting boundaries in the past and how you can begin moving toward healthy, respectful boundary-setting within your current family/cultural context. You might find it helpful to replace the word “boundary” with another term that’s less scary and more appealing. (I’ve found it extremely helpful to channel Brené Brown in this context, reminding myself that CLEAR is KIND, and that boundaries are not barriers, but rather BRIDGES to healthier and happier relationships.)
Prepare for the chaos – Pack or procure things and devise routines that will help you stay grounded in the midst of others. (My favorite hacks: escaping for a short walk or into a quiet room/corner with good book for 20-30 minutes to reboot.)
Know that you can set boundaries through what you do, as well as through what you say – If explicitly stating a boundary feels hard, consider taking action (e.g., subtly slipping away to go to bed — my absolute favorite kind of Irish Exit) or setting internal boundaries to guide your behavior (e.g., determining how long you’ll converse with a particular family member before excusing yourself).
Arrive with talking points you can use to shift the conversation away from uncomfortable topics (e.g., “No updates on when you’ll have a grandchild, but have I told you about all of the exciting things I’ve been up to at work!?” or “Nothing much to report on the job search front — Can I see the pictures from your recent vacation?!”)
Be prepared to be accompanied by a dear friend, Guilt – As Kohli notes, “Many people assume that guilt is an indication that you are doing something wrong . . . [but it can also be an indication] that your values are not aligned with the behavior or expectation imposed on you.” Disappointing others does not necessarily mean that you are doing something wrong — especially when NOT drawing the boundary means disappointing or betraying yourself. (To paraphrase Brené Brown: Healthy boundaries are the closest distance at which I can love you while continuing to love myself. Why are we constantly forgetting/neglecting that second part?!)
Lean on your chosen family – Let your partner/friends know about your apprehension, and devise a plan for how you can support each other during this time. (I’m a huge proponent of sending “mind hugs,” positive energy, and/or cute animal memes via text.)
Be radically honest with yourself about what you can expect – Instead of trying to convince yourself this time will be different, be realistic and prepare for known triggers by devising a strategy for how you can protect yourself and handle them in ways that feel good to you.
Consider ways you can disrupt YOUR patterns to start creating change – What can you do to prevent yourself from absorbing others’ negative energy or instinctively reacting to their provocation? (Do not underestimate the power of playing classical music in your head to drown out the noise and create a metaphorical force field around yourself, or imagining a triggering family member as a cartoon character to take the sting out of their words. Practicing deep mindful breathing is another — perhaps more traditional — strategy for reducing your own emotional reactivity. But I’m telling you, the other strategies are kind of FUN.)
Make room for grief that things are not the way you’d hope them to be – Remember, a hallmark of enmeshment is disconnecting from our own feelings because we’re concentrating on another person’s needs. It’s OK to be sad or disappointed.
And because I cannot help myself, one final additional tip of my own: Self-compassion. Self-compassion. Self-compassion.
Researchers have found that a key antidote to both enmeshment and chronic people-pleasing is cultivating your belief that you are worthy of love, protection, and care exactly as you are.
And for those of you with children or other family members who look up to you – know that modeling self-compassion yourself is the #1 way of disrupting familial patterns of enmeshment and ensuring that those children grow up to believe that they are worthy of the same.
I can’t think of a single better holiday gift than that.
As always, friend, please don’t hesitate to reach out if you feel like you could use additional support implementing any of these steps — or if you would simply benefit from a mind hug.
In the meanwhile, know that I am rooting for you and sending one your way :)
With love,
Jordana
