Stepping Away from the Story

Hi friend,

I recently had the opportunity to speak with Sigalle Barness on the Lawyers who Lead Podcast.  In our conversation, Sigalle and I explored the immense power that the stories we tell ourselves hold in shaping our reality, and how easy it can be to get lost in a narrative that isn’t actually serving us.

Drawing on my own experiences as well as those of my clients and students, I highlighted two types of storytelling that I believe lead many well-meaning, high-achieving professionals astray, and shared steps that we can take to break away from these stories and reclaim control of our narrative.

Playing the Part 

The first type of unhelpful storytelling is Playing the Part.

This is where we adopt someone else’s cause, values, or purpose as our own.  

There are many different reasons we might do this, chief among them (1) wanting to please others, and (2) wanting to evade the feelings of uncertainty and discomfort that come with not yet having discovered an authentic passion or purpose of our own.

As I explained to Sigalle, both of these motives were at play when I assumed the identities I donned throughout law school – namely, those of the staunch human rights advocate and aspiring federal prosecutor.  These were causes that I knew were important and that other people felt passionately about, but which, in my heart of hearts, I also knew were not really my own.  

And yet, not yet having discovered my passion or purpose (an experience which I NOW realize is not only normal but entirely commonplace among people at all stages of life), I committed to going all in, throwing myself wholly (if not wholeheartedly) into these assumed roles.

But while this seemed to work from the outside – I succeeded in lining up the coveted clerkships and big law job offer necessary to position myself as a compelling candidate for the US Attorney’s Office – beneath the surface, my role-playing was slowly but meaningfully eroding my well-being, draining my energy, and undermining my sense of self.  

You see, assuming the mantle of the impassioned advocate left me feeling guilty, fraudulent, and bemused as to why I didn’t REALLY feel captivated by this worthy cause or, for that matter, any cause at all.

But the ironic thing is that my dogged commitment to playing the part was the very thing PREVENTING me from finding my true calling.  How COULD I when I was expending all of my time and energy trying to be someone else?

As I explained to Sigalle, it was not until I allowed myself to drop the story and stop playing the part that I was able to discover what truly lights me up – what nourishes my heart and soul rather than draining my energy, and what imbues me with a greater sense of meaning and purpose than I ever imagined possible.

The Tear Down 

The second type of storytelling with which many of us unwittingly self-sabotage is The Tear Down.

This is where we bombard ourselves with messages of self-criticism and self-doubt in a misguided attempt to drive ourselves forward.

But as I explained to Sigalle, far from motivating us, these stories we concoct about our inadequacy only serve to deflate us and detract from our success.

Because our thoughts (i.e., the stories we tell ourselves and accept as true) shape how we feel, which in turn dictates how we show up in the world.  

So if you TELL yourself you’re not good enough, you will FEEL hopeless and inadequate, which will physically and neurochemically prevent you from focusing, processing, and performing at the height of your abilities.

If, on the other hand, you tell yourself you are worthy, strong, and capable (which, I BET if you were to objectively review all the available evidence you would find is far more plausible than your self-critical thoughts), the positive energy such a story would generate would empower you to focus, apply yourself, and take the steps necessary to excel.

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So today, my friend, I encourage you to ask yourself: 

What stories are you telling yourself that are holding you back from reaching your highest personal or professional potential?

And what steps can you take to break away from those stories and take control of your narrative?

If you are ready to let go of someone else’s story but unsure how to discover your own purpose, rest assured that I’ve been there, and I’ve developed a Values Discovery Guide to help you start honing in on what matters most to you.

If you are struggling to quiet your inner critic, again, I hear you – mine is quite the chatty Kathy.  But I promise that with a bit of practice and concerted effort, you can cultivate a self-compassionate voice whose stories will eventually supersede your inner critic’s (as loud and convincing as she may currently seem). Believe me, if I can do it, literally anyone can, and I’ve developed a Self-Compassion Guide to help you get started.

If you’re interested in listening to my full conversation with Sigalle, you can do so here.

And, as always, if you would like additional support taking any of these steps (which I know are often 100x scarier and more challenging than they appear on the surface), please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

In the meanwhile, know that I am rooting for you, that I believe in you, and that I can’t wait to read the amazing story I have no doubt you will write.

With love,

Jordana