Wherever You Go, There You Are
Hi friend,
People often ask me why I feel so strongly that, for many people (certainly myself included), reining in their perfectionism is the single most important step they can take to meaningfully enhance their well-being.
Well, the answer is simple:
Wherever you go, there you are.
I first came to this realization when I hit the second major breaking point on my professional well-being journey, roughly six months into my first job in legal education.
(My first breaking point had transpired roughly a year earlier, prompting my last-gasp google search on “How to be happy?,” which led me to discover positive psychology and ultimately emboldened me to transition out of law practice.)
“How is this possibly happening AGAIN?!” I asked myself.
“I took the leap! I waved goodbye to big law and found a job that’s perfectly aligned with my values. I’m supposed to be OFF the treadmill! How is this STILL happening!?”
Well… as it turned out, I’d taken the girl out of the toxic work environment, but I had NOT taken the toxic work mentality out of the girl.
You see, the problem was that the ruthlessly critical drill sergeant’s call was still coming from inside the house (in this case, my own mind and gut).
Yes, I’d heeded the advice of my positive psychology teachers and pivoted toward a job that was less cut throat (autonomy: check!) and imbued me with a sense of meaning and purpose (values alignment: check!). I’d also pushed myself to carve out time to cultivate deep, supportive relationships with my colleagues and loved ones (social connection at home and work: check and check!).
But I had not made any attempts (at least not meaningful ones) to evaluate or enhance my relationship with myself.
I was still operating from a place of deep-seated fear and self-doubt, continuously criticizing and second-guessing myself, and hustling to prove my worth.
And I ultimately realized that I could make a million changes to my job and relationships in an effort to lift myself up, but if I was still tearing myself down from the inside out, I would never fully enjoy any of the gains that I was working so hard to cultivate.
So THAT is when I (begrudgingly, and honestly, quite skeptically) agreed to experiment with self-compassion and other tactics for mitigating my perfectionism.
And I was surprised and delighted to find that these approaches, which I’d long rejected for fear they’d make me weak, indulgent, or complacent, would end up lifting me higher than my fear-based drill sergeant (or, for that matter, any relationship, passion project, or job transition) ever had.
In a recent conversation on the Empowering Workplaces podcast, Sanja Licina and I discuss my journey toward this realization and explore the various ways in which the perfectionism that once felt like it was helping us can end up blocking us from reaching our highest personal and professional potential.
We also unpack why it’s so damn hard to make a dent in our perfectionism (even once we recognize that it’s hurting us), and why it’s so easy to succumb to the trap of trying to perfect our perfectionism recovery.
Finally, I identify bite-sized steps you can take to start reclaiming control from even the most deeply-entrenched inner-critic and drill sergeant, shed your “hopeless perfectionist” identity once and for all, and embrace one that empowers you to find true freedom and fulfillment.
You can listen to the full episode here and find related resources and exercises in my Self-Compassion Guide.
I hope you find these exercises helpful, and that our discussion inspires you to identify one step that you could take today to start moving from fear toward greater freedom.
As always, please don’t hesitate to reach out if there’s any way I can support you in taking that step.
In the meanwhile, know that I am rooting for you.
With love,
Jordana
