Confession About My Crickets
Hi friend,
You may have noticed that it’s been a little while since my last post. Well, there’s a justification behind that delay that I wanted to confess.
At first, the reason behind my longer-than-usual quiet period was actually something I’m quite proud of.
I’ve been busier than usual lately working on some new exciting projects, so I gave myself permission to temporarily hit pause on some activities I’d have liked to perform in order to not totally overextend.
(Look at me pushing myself to practice what I preach! And yes, it DOES still require pushing myself to give myself that permission – but I assure you that it is well worth it. I mean, how would you feel if you knew I was burning the midnight oil and/or skipping dinner with my husband Zach in order to write you an email about the importance of balance or connection? I will absolutely never promise you perfection. But authenticity? That, I will always deliver.)
That said, after a bit of time went by, a second justification for my crickets took root. And this is something I’m NOT proud of, though I know I’m not unique in experiencing it.
Admittedly, I felt a bit guilty and insecure about not reaching out sooner. But those feelings quickly morphed into something different and far more pernicious.
In typical Type A+ Perfectionist fashion, my brain instinctively leapt from feeling guilty into “fix it” mode, and in doing so effectively raised the bar I was setting for myself miles higher.
In a nutshell, my reasoning and the vicious cycle that ensued went something like this:
Thought: Well now that I’ve waited so long, everyone’s expectations for the quality of my next post will be that much higher. I better make sure it’s really, really good so they’re not disappointed.
Feelings: Anxiety, pressure, and fear of disappointing you or rejection.
Behavioral Response: Postponing writing ANYTHING until I felt I had enough time and bandwidth to “really do it right.”
Result: Not writing or posting anything at all even though there have been MANY ideas I’ve had/wanted to share with you during this time.
Further Result: Amplified feelings of guilt and anxiety, resulting in me raising my self-imposed bar even higher (and so on, and so on, and so on…).
This is me breaking the cycle — and holding myself accountable — because I know this cycle is one that afflicts many perfectionists.
Ever have the following experience?
You know that you’re not going to be able to meet a deadline or respond to a complicated email promptly, but rather than reach out to let the person know that what they’ve requested is on the way, you decide you’d rather finish it first so you can include the finished product in your outreach (and hopefully minimize their disappointment by impressing them with the quality of the work you produced).
But then the project takes longer than expected (especially common for those of us who tend to impose unrealistic expectations on ourselves), and you’re now feeling not only guilty/anxious about your delay in responding, but also increasingly convinced that you can’t possibly reach out until you’ve finished the task (ideally, in perfect form) and can assuage the other person’s frustration.
But of course, your radio silence does nothing but ratchet up the other person’s annoyance (and/or impatience or belief they’re being ghosted), as well as your anxiety and unrealistic expectations for yourself, compounding the situation ever further.
How can we break out of this cycle?
By doing exactly what I did today: Responding to our fear with self-compassion, recognizing that this is a totally normal and understandable reaction, but reminding ourselves that the stakes are not nearly as high as our anxious minds are now making them out to be.
This will afford us the courage and determination to push past our discomfort in order to take authentic action — whether that involves deciding that, in this instance, done is better than perfect, or openly communicating that we need more time.
Today, I chose the former, because I have missed you, friend, and I didn’t want to lose another moment to perfectionist procrastination.
I hope this post will inspire you to do the same.
All my love,
Jordana
