Don’t Be a Duck!
Hi friend,
I hope you had a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend! I’m happy to report that after a marathon month of presentations, I spent the weekend in what my grandma would call “serious R&E mode” – relaxing, enjoying, and basking in the pleasure of knowing there was not a single “should” on the schedule.
Naturally, this entailed multiple trips to the pond by my house, which has quickly earned the distinction of being my #1 “happy place” (tied neck-in-neck with the reading room overlooking my backyard — because who says I can’t have two #1 happy places? ☺️).
On one of these walks, I was pleased to find the friendly neighborhood duck couple that my husband Zach and I love to watch.
(To be honest, there’s nothing particularly friendly about these ducks — they’ve mostly earned this moniker through comparison with the geese, of whom I’m now terrified after being chased down the path by one. Fortunately it will take a lot more than a hissing goose to turn me off of my #1 happy place… #resilience)
As I was watching the ducks, I couldn’t help but reflect on how much of my life I’ve spent acting like them.
You see, my favorite analogy for lawyers, law students, and other high-achieving professionals is that we’re just like ducks floating in a pond.
On the surface, it looks like we’re all sailing along cool, calm and collected, without a care or concern in the world. But beneath the water, our feet are flailing about wildly.
Except rather than our feet, it’s actually our minds churning through all of our respective fears, anxieties, and insecurities.
We all have them. That’s totally natural.
But because we all pretend like we don’t, we all tend to assume that we’re the only ones faking it, which only perpetuates EVERYONE’S feelings of shame, anxiety, and imposter syndrome, and leaves us all feeling like we’re the single ugly duckling in a sea of perfect swans.
Equally damaging, this pervasive mask-wearing prevents us from developing a sense of real closeness with other people, because if we are constantly guarded and hiding parts of ourselves it becomes virtually impossible for anyone to get to know the real us or to support us in the ways we need it most.
And that can be really isolating.
It’s for this reason that Brené Brown (all hail the queen👸) urges that vulnerability – or being courageous enough to take off our masks – is the root of all connection. And I really believe that this is true.
Importantly, while “taking off our masks” might involve opening up about things that we’re struggling with or insecure about (for instance, I could share that I have a newfound sense of empathy and profound admiration for anyone who’s ever been on a challenging fertility journey, and that I still get *extremely* nervous every time I hit publish on one of these posts), it doesn’t have to.
Instead, it might simply involve giving someone a window into a slightly deeper layer of ourselves than we typically reveal in surface-level interactions (for instance, I could share that notwithstanding my apparent extroversion and genuine love for connection, I’m a total introvert/homebody whose perfect weekend involves nothing more and nothing less than reading, walks around the pond, and kitchen dance parties in my pajamas – all of which happened to transpire this past weekend ☺️).
For this reason, my favorite way to start any keynote/training/class I’m leading is by inviting participants to engage in “positive introductions” by sharing their “best self story” (i.e., a story about a time when they were imbued with a particularly deep sense of joy, meaning, or contentment and felt like they were at their very best) with the person next to them — or, if we’re pressed for time, simply sharing their favorite song or something that positively delights them.
Without fail, whenever I do this I have people tell me that they shared or learned something about their partner that hadn’t surfaced in the multiple years they’ve known each other.
These are the types of conversations that facilitate the most meaningful forms of connection. That cause us to feel truly seen, heard, and supported, and that give rise to the sense of belonging and acceptance that organizational psychologists have found to be essential for both individual and team thriving.
And they don’t have to take a lot of time — just a bit of courage and willingness to let our guard down and pause long enough to meaningfully connect.
And one of the most beautiful things about this is that vulnerability begets vulnerability.
So when we’re brave enough to share a more human aspect of ourselves with others, we embolden them to do the same, causing a ripple effect which, over time, can transform our culture from one of toxic perfectionism to psychological safety and mutual support.
Now that’s a pretty seismic sea change…
So today, friend, I encourage you to ask yourself: What step(s) can you take in order to remove your mask and give a friend, family member, or colleague a window into your authentic unvarnished self?
By all means please feel free to practice on me by shooting me a note to let me know what this post brought up for you (or to give me a window into your own happy place) — it would make my day to hear from you!
In the meanwhile, as always, know that I am rooting for you.
With love,
Jordana
