The People-Pleaser’s Paradox
Hi friend,
If you’ve ever struggled with people-pleasing (which I recognize is highly plausible in the event you’re currently reading this), then read on, because the below hack might very well change your life.
I’ve heard the following refrain countless times from clients and students (not to mention from the exasperated voice in my own head 🙋♀️):
“I AM SO SICK of feeling perpetually drained, exhausted, and scattered. I know I can’t possibly show up as my best self when I’m being pulled in a million different directions, but I can’t bring myself to say no because I hate disappointing people.”
Sound familiar?
Yeah, me too…
Well the key to uprooting this pernicious pattern is calling out the faulty premise (i.e., blatant lie) that perpetuates it.
You see, here’s how things typically go:
Me: “I have way too much on my plate. I have no clue how I’ll get it all done. That’s it – no new things!! I can’t possibly squeeze anything else in.”
Someone else: “Hey, can you do this thing?”
My brain: “Well you obviously HAVE to say yes!! Otherwise you’ll disappoint this person. And you know that your deepest fear is disappointing others because you want so badly to feel worthy. So this is really a no-brainer.”
Me: “You’re right. I’ll make it work. So it will add to the overwhelm — that’s way better than jeopardizing my feelings of self-worth. And it shouldn’t take THAT long, right?”
Seems pretty compelling …
But the problem is that my brain is TRICKING me by presenting a FALSE CHOICE: one between (A) saying NO and disappointing someone and feeling unworthy on the one hand, and (B) saying YES, NOT disappointing someone, and feeling completely worthy on the other.
But these are actually NOT the two available options.
Don’t believe me?
[RESUME SCENE… fast-forwarding a few days]
Me: “Why oh why did I say yes to that?! I’ve been working non-stop and yet feel like I’m disappointing EVERYONE because I don't have enough time to do ANYTHING well (plus I’m so exhausted that I can’t see much less think straight). Nor have I worked out or exchanged more than three words with my husband in days. So I'm basically failing at everything. Excellent.”
[END SCENE]
So much for self-worth…
Herein lies the issue: The REAL choice on the table was between (A) saying no and experiencing the discomfort of feeling like I was disappointing someone in that moment, and (C) saying yes and experiencing the MUCH GREATER discomfort of feeling like I was disappointing MULTIPLE people (including myself) because I was stretched far too thin to show up the way I wanted to on any front.
Option B — that is, pulling it all of without a hitch — wasn’t actually on the table (no matter how hard I tried or how tirelessly I worked).
Note that for the sake of simplicity, I am ignoring the possibility of an Option D, which involves disappointing NO ONE because my “no” is accepted graciously and without any judgment at all because (1) someone else can do the thing, (2) the thing can be done at a later date when I have more capacity, and/or (3) it’s really not that big of a deal if the thing is done at all. Yes, THIS REALLY HAPPENS, but you will never have evidence of that fact until you’re courageous enough to try it out for yourself…
(Don’t believe me? Have you ever responded, “Oh thank goodness — me too!!!!” when someone said, “I am SO sorry to do this, but I need to cancel/postpone because I’m under water right now.” Why does this outcome feel so much less plausible when we’re the one cancelling??)
Another example of a faulty premise:
Situation: Someone I care about repeatedly does something that upsets me.
My brain: “Don’t rock the boat by confronting them. It’s much more important to protect the relationship!!”
[Fast forward a few weeks]
Situation: I explode on the person in a way I’m not at all proud of because my frustration/resentment has finally bubbled over.
How is my brain tricking me this time?
By presenting the false choice between (A) drawing a boundary and risking a confrontation, and (B) not drawing a boundary and maintaining peace and harmony.
But the TRUE choice was between (A) drawing a boundary and risking a confrontation (which could likely be mitigated by respectful communication tactics), and (C) not drawing a boundary and risking a much larger and more damaging confrontation down the line (oh, and having my boundary violated repeatedly in the meanwhile…)
So how can you use this knowledge to your advantage?
The next time your brain tells you that you can’t possibly draw a boundary because you’ll risk disappointing someone, ask yourself what alternative(s) are TRULY on the table, and really push yourself to honestly assess the extent to which NOT drawing the boundary may result in an even more pronounced experience of the very feeling you’re trying to avoid.
Are you allowed to resent the lack of a perfect Option B? (i.e., the one where you can magically fit everything in and do it all/delight everyone, including yourself)?
Absolutely.
But intentionally selecting the lesser of two evils is far better than blindly defaulting to the worst option in order to take the edge off your anxiety in the moment.
And the best part is that if you can bring yourself to do this on a regular basis, you will be surprised and delighted by just how regularly you stumble upon that glorious Option D.
Now I want to recognize that, as powerful as this hack can be, it will likely require considerable courage to carry out — especially at first.
So as always, friend, please don’t hesitate to reach out if there’s anything I can do to support you in taking that step.
In the meanwhile, know that I am rooting for you.
With love,
Jordana
