Don’t think you’re a perfectionist? Think again…
Hi friend,
Have you ever subscribed to any of the following beliefs:
I couldn’t possibly qualify as a perfectionist because I don’t do everything (or anything) perfectly… OR
I am absolutely a perfectionist — and yeah, it can sometimes be emotionally painful, but it got me where I am today… OR
I recognize my perfectionist thoughts and tendencies are hurting me, but I am powerless to change them because those anxious/self-critical thoughts and impulses are just so damn STRONG and sticky… OR
Burnout is for people who hate their work — I love mine, so it can’t/won’t happen to me… OR
I’m so burned out, I HAVE to leave my job. There are simply no other options…
AND/OR
Are you simply sick and tired of constantly oscillating between feelings of “I’M STRETCHED SO THIN I MIGHT DIE” to “I WAS ABLE TO BREATHE FOR A MINUTE SO I’M CLEARLY NOT DOING ENOUGH AND MUST VOLUNTEER FOR OR ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING NOW” ?
If so, then boy, do I have a podcast episode for you…
In a recent conversation on The Legal Burnouts podcast, hosts Kate, Rhia, and I unpack exactly what perfectionism is (and, equally importantly, what it is NOT), and dispel the various myths and misconceptions that prevent far too many people from getting a handle on it.
We also share concrete strategies you can use to reclaim your power from your inner critic/drill-sergeant (no matter how convincingly they try to tell you otherwise), and why it is undoubtedly challenging but 100% worth the effort.
You can listen to the full episode here.
If you find yourself inspired to deploy some of the strategies we discuss, you can find some additional guidance in this Self-Compassion Guide and Blog Post on Deploying Self-Care Permission Slips & Urge Surfing.
And if our discussion about oscillating between feelings of overwhelm and inadequacy resonated with you, I encourage you to check out Leslie Jamison’s recent New York Times article on The Mind-Boggling Simplicity of Learning to Say No.
In this piece, Jamison highlights another myth underlying the perfectionist mindset: That more is always better, and that constantly saying YES (and—when in doubt—offering to do even more) is a foolproof strategy for demonstrating both our virtue and our worth.
She notes:
"Almost every woman I knew had expressed, at some point, difficulty saying no.... Had this become a kind of collective humble brag? Were we all sending signals about how much the world wanted from us, how generous and giving we all were? It almost felt unseemly — selfish, even — to not struggle with saying no."
But, as Jamison observes, that's not really all there is to it.
Instead, behind the chronic people-pleasing that so many of us have long since grown to accept (and, in some contexts, even pride ourselves on) is also a deep-rooted sense of doubt about our worthiness and fear we'll face rejection if we don't accede to (or better yet, exceed) others' desires/expectations.
A key premise underlying this fear/protective mechanism is the belief that "NO" is always negative in the sense that it diminishes our value.
But this is a fallacy because the ABSENCE of a yes in one area maximizes our ability to be fully PRESENT somewhere else.
Or, as Jamison puts it (quite perfectly, in my opinion!), "the flip side of saying no is saying yes more fully, less grudgingly — because I’m not living life like a pat of butter spread too thinly across toast."
A poignant truth — yet one that's so easy to forget in our relentless hustle culture of MORE.
So I absolutely love, and I am so excited to adopt, Jamison's strategy of practicing my "no's" — each time reminding myself what the "no" is carving out space for.
What myths about perfectionism have felt most true to you?
And what aspects of your perfectionism would you like to start saying NO to in order to create capacity for more wholehearted YESES?
As always, friend, don’t hesitate to reach out if there’s anything I can do to support you in taking those steps.
In the meanwhile, know that I am rooting for you.
With love,
Jordana
