Flipping the Script
Hi friend,
“Thank you so much for saying these things out loud.”
“I feel like you’re in my head.”
“This was everything I needed to hear today.”
“This resonated with me more deeply than you could know.”
These are just a few reactions I received from students after presenting on perfectionism at UCLA Law School’s 1L orientation last week.
In this interactive session, we unpacked what I believe are the most important things for ANY law student to hear on their first day of law school – and which I so desperately wish someone had told me when I was in their shoes, given that it’s a complete script-flip of all the messages I’d internalized by that time:
It’s completely normal and natural to feel absolutely terrified and/or to be wondering whether you’re the least qualified person in the room.
The strength and convincing nature of those thoughts is in no way correlated to their validity (as much as your inner critic may try to convince you that’s the case).
The people next to you who seem to have it all together are almost certainly grappling with very similar concerns.
Leaning into self-doubt and self-criticism will NOT actually motivate you to work more effectively; instead it will drain your energy, derail your focus, and actually impede your success by preventing you from challenging yourself in ways that will enable you to learn and grow.
The perfectionism that so many high-achievers have long been wearing as a badge of honor is actually DISTINCT from drive, determination, attention to detail, and many other positive qualities that we tend to associate with it; instead, it’s actually deep-rooted shame and fear, coupled with a variety of maladaptive defense mechanisms, that’s preventing us from stepping into our highest potential (professionally, as well as personally).
(For any non-lawyers/law students who may be reading this, YES, you are 100% correct that these truths are by no means contained to the legal profession and apply equally to high-achieving students and professionals in many other industries who are trained to believe that perfectionism will pave the road to their success.)
“But what if my supervisors EXPECT me to be perfect? Won’t I be penalized for adopting this approach?” (Asked one rockstar student who had the guts to say what I’m sure countless others were thinking…)
Here’s where the core takeaway from the session comes in:
Rather than blindly yielding to our perfectionist impulses (whether they come naturally to us or are being encouraged by those around us), we would be much better off aiming for *BIG-PICTURE PERFECTION* – i.e., the best possible overall outcome that is actually attainable under the given circumstances.
Importantly, perfectionists and big-picture perfection-seekers don’t necessarily differ in the goals they set for themselves.
Where they diverge is in their EXPECTATIONS and their APPROACH to how they pursue their goals.
As an initial matter, perfectionists tend to reject reality when establishing their goals, telling themselves that if they just work hard enough or are just GOOD enough, they SHOULD be able to make the impossible possible.
For instance, they SHOULD be able to say yes to every single assignment that comes in the door without limitation, while still producing work product of the highest possible quality, even though they’re already stretched impossibly thin and so tired they can’t see straight.
Or, in the case of the 1L, they SHOULD be able to read every single page of every case that’s assigned throughout the semester while still having time to develop comprehensive outlines and complete sufficient practice exams to be optimally prepared for their finals.
Mark my words: This will NOT be possible.
So in the work situation, your work supervisor may not be 100% thrilled with you either way, but automatically yielding to the perfectionist impulse to overextend for fear of disappointing someone will likely lead to an even GREATER level of disappointment – making drawing occasional boundaries to preserve your ability to perform optimally on your assignments (not to mention your mental/physical health, which is essential for your professional longevity) the “best overall outcome that’s ACTUALLY attainable under the given circumstances.”
Another key distinction between perfectionists and big-picture perfection-seekers is that perfectionists tend to focus exclusively on the end goal or destination.
For them, achieving their goal is the only thing that matters. The journey they take to get there is completely meaningless.
But because perfectionists are constantly moving the goal post further the minute they reach it, the result is that life just ends up being a constant rat race where they can never actually enjoy the here and now OR seize any of the meaningful opportunities for learning and connection that arise along the way.
And finally, perhaps the most important distinction between the perfectionist and the big-picture perfection-seeker is how they treat themselves as they pursue their goals.
Whereas perfectionists tend to be ruthlessly self-critical, effectively striving to blame or shame themselves into peak performance, big-picture perfection-seekers realize that caring for themselves and fueling themselves with self-compassion, positive energy, and intrinsic motivation is the best way to maximize their success.
(And, as I explained to the UCLA Law students, no this is not just woo-woo nonsense — it’s actually backed up by hardcore neuroscience!)
So today, friend, I encourage you to ask yourself:
What myths about perfectionism have you been subscribing to? And how might these messages have impeded (rather than promoted) not only your personal well-being but also your professional performance?
Then, go ahead and consider:
What might it be like to release your fear and shame-based perfectionist tendencies so that you can finally attain big-picture perfection (as opposed to continuously wearing yourself out chasing perfectionist fantasies?)
And what first step – however small – might you take today to begin facilitating that transformation?
Here are a few additional posts you may find helpful as you contemplate these questions:
As always, if you feel like you could use some additional support identifying or taking any of these steps, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
In the meanwhile, know that I am rooting for you!
With love,
Jordana
