I’m Not Spoiled Goods
Hi friend,
When Laurie Santos invited me to join her on The Happiness Lab Podcast for a discussion about how to fight perfectionism, part of me was of course ecstatic/excited.
But another part of me was extremely nervous to reveal just how scathing and militant my inner monologue used to be.
After listening to our episode and hearing the ruthless admonitions from my inner-critic/drill-sergeant spoken back to me – decoupled from the perspective and deep sense of empathy and compassion I now have for my younger self – that second part of me is now even MORE nervous to share it.
Might some people listen and judge me for how cruel I used to be – even if it was only to myself?
Maybe.
But might some OTHER people listen and learn that:
They are not at all alone in tearing themselves to shreds on the inside
Their scathing inner-critic/drill-sergeant isn’t actually serving them (as much as they may feel like it is); and
It is possible for them to cultivate self-compassion and rein in their inner-critic/drill-sergeant, no matter how deeply entrenched it currently seems to be?
Almost certainly.
And there is no question that the potential benefits of THAT outcome substantially outweigh the costs of the other.
For me, the real clincher was #3 – giving other perfectionists hope that it is possible for them to change.
Why?
Because while it certainly required effort for me to wrap my head around the fact that self-doubt and self-criticism are NOT actually effective motivators (though the impressive body of research highlighting that truth helped quite a bit), refuting my OTHER faulty assumption – that I was powerless to change my mindset or my relationship with myself – was even harder to overcome.
In fact, there was a notable period of time in which I considered myself to be “spoiled goods” because I was AWARE of the myriad ways in which my perfectionist tendencies (which I’d come to understand were very much a product of my upbringing and childhood/young adult socialization) were hurting me, but I possessed not one ounce of faith in my ability to change them.
They just felt so all-encompassing and automatic.
Learning about neuroplasticity changed everything for me.
What’s that you say?
Put simply, neuroplasticity is humans’ ability to change our brains (and, in turn, the thoughts, feelings, impulses, and actions that they generate) through repeated activity and exposure.
It’s a relatively recent phenomenon in the field of psychology and neuroscience, and it’s a total game-changer.
Until a few decades ago, developmental psychologists believed that our brains stop evolving – i.e., that we’re effectively “cooked” – once we reach a certain stage of young adulthood.
And while it’s true that our brains are most plastic during early childhood, recent developments in neuroscience shows that it remains entirely possible for us to REWIRE our brains throughout our lifespan.
Basically, every time we perform any action or think any thought, the “neural pathway” or connection between the neurons that fire when we perform that action or think that thought grows stronger, making it easier and more instinctive for us to perform that action or think that thought again.
This is why we’re able to perform so many of our daily functions on autopilot.
It’s also why our self-critical thoughts are so dang sticky – we’ve been thinking them on repeat for decades!
But the beauty of neuroplasticity is that it goes both ways, which means that if we PRACTICE speaking to ourselves in a more compassionate voice (even if we don’t yet believe those sentiments in the slightest), those new thoughts will gradually grow stickier and more instinctive.
And I promise it won’t take nearly as much time as you might think.
You can think of it like developing sled tracks in the snow.
If you sled down the exact same path every day, over time your sled tracks will become deeper and more entrenched, making those tracks the easiest and most instinctive path for you to travel down. (Like I said, this is why our self-critical thoughts are so dang sticky!).
And that path will (perhaps logically, though it’s amazing how often we’re surprised by this), continue to lead you to the same destination.
(For me, that destination was a state of feeling perpetually anxious, insecure, and depleted from constantly hustling to prove my worth. And, when it comes to perfectionism/self-criticism, the research shows I’m not at all alone in this!).
But the good news is that if you don’t LIKE that destination (and if you’ve read this far, I think it’s fair to assume you’re not thrilled with your own status quo), it is fully within your power to develop NEW tracks – ones that will yield better outcomes, such as feelings of pride, worthiness, ease of being, and the satisfaction of feeling like you’re running toward something rather than simply running away from the feeling of not being good enough (fancy that!) – by choosing to take another route.
Sure, it may be bumpy at first. And there will almost certainly be moments where you assume you’re not gaining traction and feel like giving up.
But if you keep at it, those new tracks will gradually deepen and grow easier to navigate. And, as this happens, the old tracks will get increasingly snowed over – making them less instinctive and appealing in their own right.
THIS is how we rewire our brains and reclaim control over our future, regardless of what’s happened to us in our past.*
For better or worse, the science is clear that we can’t simply abolish or shout down our critics. (And I encourage you to be HIGHLY skeptical of any coach/psychologist/self-help guru who tries to tell you otherwise…)
But it’s like we only have so much radio frequency in our minds, which means that if we can GROW our self-compassionate voice (which we very much can do thanks to neuroplasticity!), it will effectively pull power from our inner-critic, changing the way that we relate to ourselves overall (in a way that will happen to make us more effective at virtually everything we put our minds to, in addition to making us happier and healthier).
I am living proof that this is possible.
As I told Laurie on the podcast, given how scathing my inner-critic used to be, I truly believe that if I can learn to be self-compassionate, anyone can. And I’ve seen it time and time again in the lives of my students and clients.
So today, friend, I want you to know that I am not even close to being spoiled goods.
And neither are you.
And I assure you that any thoughts you may be having to the contrary are simply your inner-critic panicking and trying to prevent you from taking the steps necessary to reclaim your power.
So what do you say? Want to join me in taking those steps?
If so, I encourage you to:
1) Keep an eye out for your inner-critic:
Our critics often become so ingrained that we don’t even notice when they’re present or piping up. We just allow them to wash over us, accepting what they say – and the disempowering feelings that accompany their words – as facts rather than recognizing them for what they are: just habitual thoughts that have become powerful by virtue of their repetition.
In order to break this cycle, we need to increase our awareness of our critics so we can spot and intercept them, rather than taking their word as gospel.
To do this, I encourage you to actually imagine your critic as a separate being, like your inner gremlin or a pesky devil on your shoulder.
Studies show that it can help to actually draw your critic – here’s a picture of mine :)
2) Kindly let your critic know that you won’t be sledding with it today:
We can’t stop our critics from popping up (or from generating any initial pangs of hurt/fear/anxiety that their words produce).
But we CAN decide whether we will let them pull us into their rabbit hole of rumination – or, sticking with our sledding metaphor, whether we’ll agree to hop on their sled and ride shot-gun down their well-trodden path of self-judgment/flagellation.
So when you notice your critic piping up, I encourage you to gently greet it by saying something along the lines of:
“Hi there, critic. I know you mean well, and that you developed at a much earlier stage of life when maybe you were actually protecting me in some way. But I’ve grown up, and I’ve recently learned that your approach is now doing way more harm than good. So rather than hopping on your sled today, I’ll be taking another route. I recognize your path is still the one of least resistance, but I also know I’m sick and tired of the fear, shame, and insecurity I always feel at the end of it. And I trust that the feelings I’ll enjoy by virtue of forging my own new path – even if it takes time, effort, and a boatload of courage – will be well worth the persistence and any discomfort I feel along the way.”
3) Start laying those new tracks:
The final step is to replace your inner critic’s commentary with a kinder, more caring, and compassionate response. If you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, try imagining what you would say to a dear friend or family member who you support unconditionally if they were in your shoes.
You might also find it easier to convey kindness and support to yourself if you imagine yourself as a young child. I’ll admit that for a really long time I struggled to extend kindness to my adult self. But when I imagined myself as a toddler, I could find it in myself to genuinely communicate to little Jordana that she was not weak, she was not broken, she was not lazy – she was not any of the other things my inner-critic had repeatedly been telling me I was.
4) Keep at it:
Chances are that when you first try this out, it will feel super forced and unnatural. That is, it may be hard to generate compassionate thoughts to direct toward yourself, and you may not buy into them at all when you do so.
That is totally normal!
And it’s also totally OKAY, because I promise that as long as you keep pushing yourself to talk back to your inner-critic in this way, your self-compassionate voice will grow stronger and your inner-critic’s voice will weaken, ultimately transforming the way you relate to yourself overall.
Again, I am living proof that this is possible. And I have zero doubt that if it could work me, it can work for you, too.
As always, friend, please don’t hesitate to reach out if there is any way that I can support you in taking these steps, or to simply let me know how it goes when you do so.
It would make my day to hear from you!
(And yes, this is how I envision us teaming up to gently kick our critics to the curb and forge new paths together. ☺️)
If you’d like to listen to more of my discussion with Laurie, you can check that episode out here.
And if you’re interested in learning additional exercises to start building your self-compassion muscle, and/or gaining a deeper understanding of what exactly self-compassion is and why it’s so powerful/beneficial, I encourage you to check out my Self-Compassion Guide.
In the meanwhile, know that I am rooting for you!
With love,
Jordana
*Note: Nothing I’ve written in this post should be used as a replacement for therapy — especially when it comes to processing/healing trauma or pain from your past. However, I’ve found that for many people (myself included), while therapy provided an irreplaceable vehicle for helping me heal past wounds and gain awareness of how past events/exposure shaped my present situation, something more was needed to help me move forward from that state of self-awareness toward building the future reality I wanted for myself. The steps set forth in this post — and all of the work I do/things you’ll read in this blog — are intended to provide you with that “something more.”
