Reclaiming Control
Hi friend,
Have you ever had the experience of being asked a question that seems simple on its face but ends up being surprisingly illuminating?
That happened to me a few months ago when I was preparing to record a conversation with my dear friend Ashley Menzies Babatunde for her No Straight Path podcast (which I highly recommend, by the way!). I knew that Ashley begins all her podcast interviews by asking her guests about their upbringing and how their childhood-self shows up in the work they’re doing today, so I figured I should contemplate those questions in advance.
While the first question was easy, the part about my childhood-self gave me pause. This is because, unlike my late-adolescent/teenage self (the Type A+ perfectionist who dictated my approach to work in the early years of my career, and whose pain and suffering ultimately inspired the work I do today), my childhood self (the one I described to Ashley as “the weirdest little girl in the best possible way”) has long felt impossibly far away. So far away, in fact, that she might as well have been a perfect stranger.
But I’ve recently started to find my way back to that girl, and I’ve realized that the first step to reconnecting with her – and experiencing the creativity, joy, and insatiable zest for life she so regularly delighted in – is to understand how and why we grew disconnected in the first place.
As I explained to Ashley, looking back, I now see that this happened for me in two phases. The first was during my freshman year of high school, when my father got really sick in a way that both terrified me and destabilized my family. The second was during my sophomore year of college, when an extremely painful breakup shattered my self-confidence and fundamental sense of trust.
In both instances, when I felt like my world was spinning out, I latched onto the only thing that seemed to be within my control – my work. And I clung to that, telling myself that if I could just work hard enough, if I could just make my work perfect, then at least that would offer me an anchor in the storm.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that as this Type A+ perfectionist took root, she was stifling little Jordana in the process.
I also could not have possibly foreseen that the very things that offered me a much-needed sense of control in those periods of upheaval would one day rob me of my sense of agency and power.
This is because my perfectionist, over-achieving, and people-pleasing tendencies ultimately grew into addictions – impulses that I couldn’t help but yield to, even when doing so clearly no longer served me. So much so that I eventually realized I was no longer in the driver’s seat of my own life, but rather a slave to the extremely deep-seated fear that had at some point taken the steering wheel.
And I know I’m not alone in this.
So if you’re experiencing something similar, what can you do to reclaim control - for real this time?
That brings me to Step 2 of reconnecting with your childhood self: Meeting your inner-critic/perfectionist with unconditional understanding, acceptance, and self-compassion.
You can do this by completing the following steps:
Think back to the first time you can remember your perfectionist tendencies taking root – the time when your inner-child first began to be supplanted by your inner-critic or perceived need to please, perfect, or perform. In all likelihood this was a period of upheaval or uncertainty, when your inner-child was desperate for a sense of stability or protection.
Reflect on how your circumstances have changed since then, and how your perfectionism/self-criticism is no longer necessary or effectively serving its initial purpose.
The next time your inner-critic pops up or you experience a perfectionist impulse that you know deep down will not serve you, picture your inner-child at that key transition moment you identified in #1 and address them gently as follows:
Dear little Jordana [insert your own name],
I know you have felt that the only way to keep yourself safe and loved is by working yourself into the ground [insert other perfectionist impulse here]. I know this exhausts you and never actually delivers the sense of security and stability that you crave. I want you to know that you don’t have to do this anymore. You are safe now. You are loved. And I promise that you are more than enough exactly as you are. I see you, I am here for you, and I am ready to move forward with you together.
It may feel cheesy, and it almost certainly won’t extinguish your inner-critic or perfectionist impulse immediately. But the science shows that, as counterintuitive as it feels (and trust me, I know it feels that way), treating yourself in this tender, compassionate manner is actually the most effective way to maximize your strength, determination, and fortitude. And if you stick with it, you will be amazed by how quickly your inner-critic/perfectionist loosens its stranglehold, allowing you to finally begin regaining control.
And then one day, when you’re least expecting it, you’ll have a spark of insight, creativity, or adventure that is “weird in the best possible way” — or you’ll feel the fear but take that step to honor your values anyway — and you’ll know who’s finally back in the driver’s seat.
_____
If you’d like to listen to my and Ashley’s full discussion, which touches on values alignment and cultivating a sense of peace and self-worth, among many other topics, you can check it out here.
And, as always, if this post or exercise resonates with you, I encourage you to reach out to let me know.
Until then, please know that I see you, I am here for you, and I look forward to moving forward with you together :)
With love,
Jordana
