Self-Care for Caregivers
Hi friend,
I know it’s been a minute since I’ve posted, but I’m proud to report that it’s because I’ve been pushing myself to practice what I preach as I acclimate to my new role as mother to my daughter Poppy and recover from the strain of a trying third trimester (Am I the only one who grew up believing pregnancy was only 9 months and then felt totally duped upon learning it’s actually 10?! If only…)
Poppy arrived in the wee hours of Valentine’s Day morning and immediately stole my heart with her snorts, squeaks, and saucy spunk.
AND … to say that acclimating to her arrival has posed challenges and a steep learning curve would be an understatement. This is especially so as I strive to reconcile, harmonize, and dare I say even “balance” the demands and delights of my new role with the core elements of my former identity (which include being someone who absolutely loves her work and related hobbies – like writing to you! – cherishes her relationships with her closest friends and family, and requires significant amounts of sleep and restorative solitude in order to function optimally).
So it’s not surprising that my inner perfectionist and people-pleasing tendencies have been triggered, and that my inner-critic and drill sergeant have been chiming in when I fail to meet the unrealistic expectations they set on every front.
But I’m proud to say that rather than yielding to those voices and allowing them to swallow me into their shame-blame-and-guilt vortex (yeah, you know that place!), I’ve been pushing myself to meet them with the same empathy and compassion that I show Poppy, and reminding myself that caring for myself (even when it involves letting other people step in to tend to Poppy’s needs and/or letting various “shoulds” go entirely) is the only way to ensure that I can sustainably care for her and show up optimally in the other areas of my life I value most.
In the latest episode of the NYC Bar Association’s Mindful Lawyering podcast (conveniently recorded just days before Poppy’s arrival), Arnold & Porter’s Well-Being Director Robye Morgolius and I discuss these and related strategies for avoiding caregiver fatigue and maximizing our ability to care for others (in whatever form that may take) without compromising our ability to care for ourselves.
Some of my favorite takeaway tips from the episode include:
Accept the reality that you have limited time, energy, and capacity – as much as you might wish that weren’t the case – and aim for “big-picture perfection” by making intentional tradeoffs rather than stubbornly plowing ahead in the hopes that you’ll somehow “just get it all done.” (Spoiler alert: You won’t. And by attempting to perfect everything and please absolutely everyone, you will almost certainly end up disappointing yourself.)
Use your values as your compass. As you navigate these inevitable tradeoffs, ask yourself what is really most important to you. For instance, what is your highest and best use as a mom? Is it making a home cooked meal every night? Or is it being fully present during play time because you’re not stretched so thin you can’t see straight? (Note that there are no right or wrong answers as long as they’re authentic to you and not driven by someone else’s “shoulds.”). The same applies in the workplace. When you find yourself overloaded and realize you can’t possibly do it all, ask yourself, “What is my highest and best use?” Then do those things (and do them well!) and give yourself permission to delegate or delete the rest.
Self-compassion, self-compassion, self-compassion. Contrary to what you might think, the science shows that it is neither selfish nor self-indulgent, but actually essential for both sustainable caregiving and professional success.
It takes a village. You cannot and should not do it all alone. That’s just a basic evolutionary principle. Asking for and accepting help is a sign of wisdom, not weakness. And you almost certainly have more modes of support available to you than you think. Use them!
You can listen to the full episode here and find strategies for cultivating self-compassion and honing in on your core values in these guides.
And as always, if you could use help putting any of these tools or insights into practice (or if you could just use another photo from the Poppy Cam to put a smile on your face), please never hesitate to reach out.
Like I said, it takes a village. And I am honored to be a member of yours!
With love,
Jordana
P.S. Many thanks to the all-star team of “Poppy’s Angels” in my village who have supported us in myriad ways throughout this time. I am forever grateful for you!
