Weary from Worrying?: Read This
Hi Friend,
I’m not a huge poetry person, but I wanted to share with you a poem by Mary Oliver that stopped me in my tracks last week when I came across it:
This one hit me hard because I see so much of myself in it. They say the average person spends roughly 15 years of their life watching TV. I don't watch much TV, but I have no doubt I've already spent double that proportion of my life worrying.
Worrying that I’ve done or said something wrong.
That I’ve offended or disappointed someone.
Or that I’ll do so in the future.
Worrying that I won’t get that thing I want.
Or that I will, and that I won’t be able to handle it.
So. Much. Worry. And to what end? A lot of wasted time and energy.
Was I wrong?
Can I do better?
Might I fail?
Maybe.
But I can always pick myself up and try again and inevitably learn something - and, if I let myself, even have some fun (?!) - in the process. Or I can just keep worrying and delude myself it's somehow helping...
I’d like to choose option A.
Now you may be thinking, “OK Jordana. Sounds great, but easier said than done.” And you’d of course be absolutely right.
In fact, addiction expert, psychiatrist, and neuroscientist Dr. Jud Brewer likens worrying (as well as procrastinating, chronic planning and other common responses to anxiety) to ADDICTIONS rooted in the limbic system – the “old” part of the brain (evolutionarily speaking) that governs habits and other unconscious actions that were historically important to survival. Yes, I’m telling you that worrying is effectively an ADDICTION - no wonder our anxious thoughts are so damn sticky?!! And trying to overcome these habits with willpower or simply “change our mindset” doesn’t work because these strategies appeal to our prefrontal cortex, which is completely separate.
So are we just SOL? Needless to say, the Type A+ lawyer in me was NOT enthused to learn I faced a challenge that could be overcome by neither force nor logic. But fortunately, Dr. Brewer offers a solution.
You see, the reason these habits become so sticky is because, at least initially, they create some sense of reward – generally, by taking the edge off our anxiety for a short period. For example, when I feel a wave of anxiety come on, my brain tells me I can protect myself/make that anxiety go away by working more (even if I’m already overworked/exhausted) or compulsively reading over my to-do list. But, while these behaviors may succeed in providing a fleeting period of respite, they are only reinforcing that behavior pattern and increasing the frequency/intensity of the anxiety I feel going forward.
Dr. Brewer suggests using a 4-step framework for unwinding this destructive pattern:
Pay Attention: Build awareness of the habit loop by focusing on the connection between the trigger (feeling anxiety), the behavior (excessive work/planning - or whatever your go-to coping method is), and the "reward" (anxiety is mitigated – but only VERY temporarily). As Dr. Brewer explains, the first step to breaking any habit, including anxious worrying/working, is understanding how it’s formed.
Gather “Disenchantment Data” by asking yourself: “What is this doing for me?” In order to build disillusionment with the behavior, you need to help your brain recognize how limited its reward value actually is. So in my case, this means tuning in to how I feel as I frenetically scramble to do more work or pour over my to-do list in an effort to gain a feeling of control. I might be telling myself I’m gaining control, but am I really? Who’s driving this ship? And how long is any sense of relief actually lasting?
Substitute the Behavior with a Bigger, Better Offer: Choose curiosity over reactive fear responses by using mindfulness to explore and observe your thoughts and feelings as they arise. Practice “urge surfing” by resisting the impulse to engage in your old behavior, and instead push yourself to replace it with another more constructive activity. Then focus on how THAT feels. So in my case, when I feel that wave coming on, I can:
Curiously observe how exactly my anxiety feels in my body (tightening in my chest, nervous energy in my hands), and the thoughts that are popping into my head ("Come on, Jordana, just check one more thing off your list so you can feel better.");
Remind myself of the evidence I gathered in Step 2 (which proves that any relief I get from that approach will be short-lived and I'll feel equally anxious + exhausted afterwards);
Push myself to try another strategy (calling a friend, taking a walk, immersing myself in a gripping psychological thriller); and then
Deliberately observe how THAT feels (noting both how my compulsive urge to work/plan actually dissipates after a few minutes, and how much more energized I feel when I give myself time to really rest and rejuvenate).
4. Rinse and repeat, letting your brain internalize these new (more accurate!) reward values.
I’m telling you, I’ve tried countless approaches to managing my anxiety/excessive worry, and this strategy has hands down been most helpful. It’s like food cravings — the more you eat sugar, the more you CRAVE sugar. The more you treat yourself kindly, and actually PAY ATTENTION to the enduring benefits you experience as a result of it, the more you will start WANTING to perform those behaviors, and the less anxious (and likely way happier and more productive!) you will be!
It definitely takes some time and repeated practice, but you will be amazed by just how quickly your brain catches on.
I’d love to hear how this works for you, so if you try it out, please do reach out on LinkedIn or email (jordana@jordanaconfino.com) to let me know!
With love,
Jordana
