The Secret Super Power of High-Achievers

Hi Friend,

I thought you might be interested in a podcast episode I recently recorded for the New York City Bar Association’s Mindful Lawyering podcast. It’s about self-compassion, and why it’s actually the secret superpower of high-achievers.

WAIT! If you’re about to dismiss this email as touchy-feely fluff, please hear me out.

I get it. Until fairly recently, self--compassion was a topic you couldn’t get me to touch with a ten-foot pole. For most of my life, I attributed my success to the ruthless drill sergeant inside my head -- the one telling me I wasn't good enough, that I was weak and lazy, and that I had to work harder to avoid being "found out." I was convinced that self-flagellation equaled motivation, and that going “easy on myself” would only lead to mediocrity.

This seemed to work for a time — until it didn’t, and I eventually ran myself into the ground. (I say “seemed” to work because the more I achieved during this time, the more anxious and insecure I grew, as I was terrified of being deemed a disappointment if I couldn’t clear that bar again. Hard to call that winning!).

Finally, during what was probably my most intense period of burnout, my therapist said something that changed my life. She asked me:

"Jordana, if you had a racehorse that had broken down from pain and exhaustion, would you just keep whipping it to try to get it to get up and run faster?"

“No, obviously not,” I replied.

She continued: "Then why are you doing that to yourself?"

That was when I finally agreed to give self-compassion a try.

The results blew my mind.

Rather than making me weak or complacent, self-compassion turned out to be a far more motivating force than my self-criticism had ever been. It also made me far better equipped to support others, not to mention a whole lot happier.

In the podcast episode, Aimee and I discuss some of the biggest myths surrounding self-compassion, and explore why it’s a secret superpower that will turbocharge your success. We also walk through a series of super simple but potent practices that can help even the most skeptical, self-critical person start strengthening their self-compassion muscle. Trust me, if I can do it, anyone can!

You can find a link to listen to the full episode here, but I wanted to walk you through one of my favorite self-compassion practices in this post.

It’s called Real Time Self-Compassion and it’s got three steps.

Step 1: Acknowledge When You’re Being Self-Critical

Often, our inner critic becomes so ingrained that we don’t even realize when it’s piping up. So the first step is to just curiously observe your inner monologue whenever you’re feeling bad about something. Take note of what words your inner critic uses. Are there key phrases that come up over and over again? Does that voice remind you of anyone in your past or present who’s been critical of you? (Perhaps a former bully, athletic coach … or your mother?) The point here is to get to know your critic really well so that you can notice when it’s becoming active, and then separate yourself from it. (Because, critically, YOU are not your critic!)

You can further disentangle your inner critic from your identity by naming it or imagining it as a separate being like an inner saboteur or pesky devil on your shoulder. It often helps to actually draw it — I’m including a photo of mine here. I swear it’s far meaner looking in my head!

Step 2: Suggest a Softer Approach

Once you’ve acknowledged your critic, the next step is to SOFTEN its voice, but to do so with compassion rather than self-judgment. (Remember, the whole point here is that self-flagellation, whatever the target, does more harm than good!) So instead of saying, “What’s WRONG with you?! Why are you so damn hard on yourself?!” try something like:

“Listen critic, I know you’re scared of failing and that you just want me to succeed. But you are causing me so much pain and anxiety right now, and it’s not helping. Can we please try a kinder approach?”

Step 3: Support

Finally, the third step is to replace your inner critic’s commentary with a kinder, more caring and compassionate response. If you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, try imagining what a friend or family member who loves you unconditionally would say to you in this situation – or, if it’s easier, what you’d say to them if they were in your shoes.

You might also find it’s easier to convey kindness and support to yourself if you imagine yourself as a young child. I’ll admit that for a really long time I struggled to extend kindness to my adult self. But I couldn’t help but offer love and affection to this girl.

Chances are that when you first try this out, it will feel super forced and unnatural.  That is, it may be hard to generate compassionate thoughts to direct toward yourself, and you may not buy into them at all when you do so. That’s totally normal!

It’s also totally fine because as long as you keep pushing yourself to talk back to your inner critic in this way, your self-compassionate voice will grow stronger and your inner critic’s voice will weaken, ultimately transforming the way you relate to yourself overall. 

THAT’S the power of neuroplasticity — our scientifically-proven capacity to rewire our brains through repetition. And I am living proof that it is possible!

I’d love to hear how this exercise works for you, so if you try it out, please do drop me a message on LinkedIn or email (jordana@jordanaconfino.com) to let me know how it goes! Please also feel free to send me a picture of YOUR inner critic:)

And if you’re intrigued, I encourage you to check out my Self-Compassion-Guide, in which you can find more information about (1) what self-compassion is, (2) why it’s so damn beneficial, and (3) how you can go about cultivating it (regardless of how scathing/powerful your inner critic currently is).

With love,

Jordana