My Counterintuitive Win of the Week
Hi Friend,
Last week I did something totally out of character. I turned down a good opportunity. It had been tentatively forthcoming for a little while, and in the interim waiting period I found myself PRAYING it wouldn’t come to fruition.
Why? Because I knew I didn’t have bandwidth to take it on, and that if I did, I would potentially:
(a) not be able to put my best foot forward,
(b) short-shrift the other things I already have on my plate, and/or
(c) burn myself out by totally compromising my mental and emotional well-being (not to mention seriously neglecting my loved ones) in an attempt to prevent a or b from happening.
Who am I kidding? The answer is almost certainly c, if not d - all of the above.
Have you ever experienced something similar? Have you ever found yourself praying that an objectively “good” opportunity not actually materialize? Or dreading the possibility that it might?
Why do we do this?
At least for me, and for many perfectionists, overachievers, and people-pleasers, it’s because we don’t trust our ability/willingness to turn down an opportunity — even when we know deep in our heart or gut that doing so would be in our best interest.
Until extremely recently, I found it downright impossible to turn down a “good opportunity” (i.e., one, which, if viewed in a vacuum, would likely advance my professional success) because I feared that doing so would foreclose similar opportunities from arising in the future. So I would say yes, often FEELING as if I was doing so under duress – for instance, when someone I deeply admire asked me to write an article when I was already totally overcommitted, and I agreed, all-the-while desperately wishing she’d never asked because the opportunity was “too good to pass up.” Typically, this doesn’t end well – at least from a personal well-being/mental health standpoint (i.e., me sobbing at my computer in the wee hours of a Sunday night, underslept, over-stressed, and proclaiming “I’M A FRAUD” as I wrote an article titled “Burning the Candle at Both Ends Backfires.” You really can’t make this stuff up…). But it eventually dawned on me that the duress I was experiencing was entirely self-imposed. That is, that I was – once again – inhabiting a prison cell of my own making, because no one (except me, driven by my own fear) was forcing me to do anything at all.
I’ll admit that I sat with that self-awareness for quite a while before mustering the courage to actually act on it. But recently, when a friend asked me to crystallize my definition of success (an amazingly powerful question that I highly recommend reflecting on!), I resolved that a core part of it involves living a life that’s driven by my values, rather than by fear. So with that mantra rooted in my brain (and written on my white board), last week I decided to take charge, bite the bullet, and say no when I sensed those feelings of dread/resentment bubbling up. And you may not be shocked to hear that the floor did not fall out beneath me – nor did the doors to any future opportunities slam shut – when I did so. In fact, I was helpfully reminded of the fact that “not now” need not mean “not ever,” when the other person responded by offering a similar opportunity at a later date. (What a novel concept?! Take that, black-and-white thinking!) What’s more, it appeared that my taking steps to respect myself, if anything, caused the other person to hold me in even higher regard.
So I guess my takeaway from this experience (along with the immense feelings of relief and empowerment that I’m still enjoying) is that there can indeed be too much of even a good thing, and that it’s not only possible, but often advisable, to recognize that fact. Also, rather than pulling out the rug beneath you, honoring your limits and establishing boundaries – at least when done thoughtfully and respectfully – will often leave you on much sturdier ground. And, finally, while we may not be able to stop our fear or inner-critic from piping up, we can ALWAYS choose how we respond to it, and we NEVER need to let it drive.
I hope this story inspires and emboldens you to honor your own limits, and to stop your fear from getting in the driver’s seat. If you do so, I invite you to share your story with me — I can always use an extra nudge of encouragement/inspiration in this department!
And if you’re interested in further reading on this topic, I encourage you to check out Greg McKeown’s book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, in which McKeown makes a compelling case for investing your energy only in what’s essential (i.e., saying “no” to anything that’s not a “hell yes!”) in order to maximize the contribution you can make in the areas that matter most.
With love,
Jordana
