Behind the Coaching Curtain: Change Your Thoughts to Transform Your Reality
Hi Friend,
One thing I quickly realized when I became a coach is how little most people know about what coaches actually do. Yes, we provide structure, support and accountability to help people take the actions necessary to achieve their desired outcomes. But the REAL magic of coaching lies in helping people notice and release the limiting beliefs that are holding them back, and to replace them with empowering thoughts that will propel them forward toward their goals.
The reason this works is because our thoughts, in and of themselves, have no power. But when we invest our energy and attention in them, we begin to feel the emotions that they generate, and those feelings – consciously or unconsciously – then impact how we act, which in turn shapes our results. Following this chain, our results tend to reconfirm our original thoughts, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Don’t believe me?
Close your eyes and say to yourself “I am weak and powerless” ten times over and just NOTICE the sensations you experience in your body.
Now try repeating “I am strong and powerful” ten times and see what happens.
Notice a shift?
Yes, our thoughts are that powerful.
If you regularly engage with the thought that you are weak and powerless, you will feel weak and powerless, and you’ll be less likely to take any action that would improve your situation (thus reinforcing your belief that you’re weak and powerless).
If, on the other hand, you tell yourself you are strong and powerful, this will boost your confidence and trigger a more positive emotional state, causing you to feel more powerful in your body and to take more constructive action (in turn, reinforcing your belief that you are strong and powerful).
What this means is that if you’re not getting the results you want in any area of your life, it’s almost always a good idea to change your thoughts.
This can be a tough sell for people experiencing strong judgments and negative emotions, even where those thoughts and feelings are clearly detracting from their effectiveness or well-being:
“But she behaved terribly! I have a right to be furious!” – From the man whose resentment and rumination about a family member are clearly creating an emotional burden
“But I shouldn’t HAVE to explain this to him again! I knew all of this while I was in his position, and he’s totally wasting my time!” – From the woman whose frustration with her associate is preventing her from providing feedback in a constructive manner
This quote (which some, though not all people, attribute to Nelson Mandella) perfectly encapsulates the flawed nature of the reasoning at play in these instances.
Even IF we are “right,” and our resentment [anger/frustration – insert other negative emotion here] toward another person is justified, that doesn’t mean it’s constructive. The same – by the way – applies equally, if not more so, when it comes to anger, frustration, or judgment directed at ourselves.
If our negative thoughts and emotions are ultimately doing us more harm than good, we would be well-served to acknowledge and release them so they can no longer hold us back. And because of the cognitive-behavioral cycle illustrated above, the most effective way to release an unhelpful impulse is by changing the thought that gave rise to it.
So how can you actually do this?
Here are a few questions to guide you through the self-coaching process:
What’s your end goal? What is it that you really want?
How well is your current approach moving you toward that outcome?
What is your current approach costing you?
What’s another way that you could look at this situation that might be less emotionally-triggering, more constructive, or more empowering for you?
If you really adopted/truly believed that perspective (no worries at all if you don’t right now – that’s to be expected!), how would you feel? Seriously, how would it FEEL in your body?
OK – so right now you still believe your old thought, which makes total sense – anyone in your shoes would, but you’ve recognized that it isn’t helpful. And you acknowledge you’d feel differently if you adopted a different perspective. What action would you take if you truly believed that thought/felt that way?
How willing are you to take that action to see if it can move you further toward your goal?
What do you have to lose? (other than the unproductive and likely pretty distracting emotion you’re currently harboring)
I hope you find this helpful! If you try it out, please feel free to shoot me a message on LinkedIn or email (jordana@jordanaconfino.com) to let me know how it goes. And if you find yourself getting stuck and think you might benefit from some additional support, you know where to find me :)
With love,
Jordana
