You Can’t F*ck Up, You Can Only Find Out
Hi friend,
“You can’t f*ck up, you can only find out.”
A client shared this golden nugget with me recently when we were discussing two common pitfalls of perfectionism: procrastination and perfectionist paralysis (also known as failure to launch).
As I’m constantly reminding people (because I know it’s counterintuitive and so damn easy to lose sight of), there’s an important difference between perfectionism and drive for excellence, and the former, at its core, is actually just FEAR accompanied by a variety of unhelpful defense mechanisms.
One of the key types of fear underlying perfectionism is the fear of failure, which to the perfectionist, means not doing something 100% perfectly on the very first try.
While many perfectionists BELIEVE this drives them to produce superior results, the truth is that this failure-phobia is really quite pernicious.
In many cases, it causes the perfectionist to lose hours (if not days, weeks, or even months) spinning their wheels, worrying about a task without actually getting started, or “procrasti-planning/working/cleaning” by tackling other inessential tasks on their to-do list in an effort to feel productive as they sheepishly evade the ominous storm cloud of fear and anticipated shame looming over them.
And what a waste THAT is, even if they do eventually get the thing done, because it robs them of critical time that could be better spent (1) actually working productively, (2) actually relaxing/recharging/connecting, (3) or actually doing basically anything in a fully present, focused manner without the nagging distraction of anticipatory anxiety. (It’s amazing how quickly the perfectionist will throw their values of efficiency and PURPOSEFUL productivity out the window when they’re trying – consciously or unconsciously – to avoid something that scares them…)
Perhaps even more damaging, the fear of failure often stifles perfectionists’ growth and development entirely by preventing them from ever getting started.
How many good ideas have you had that you never shared or tried to implement because you were scared they’d be rejected or that you’d fail to bring them to fruition?
How many goals or projects have you declined to pursue for fear that you’d stumble and expose your inadequacy?
And how many times have you declined to embrace an exciting opportunity because your fear convinced you it was simply not worth the risk of subjecting yourself to possible disappointment?
If you’re anything like me, the answer is probably more than you can count. (See, e.g., the myriad interesting classes I didn’t take in college or law school because I knew the professor was a harsh grader; see also the YEARS I spent telling myself I could never start a blog because I was scared people would judge me or that literally no one would read it; but see the fact that I am finally still totally feeling the fear, but doing it anyway!).
Why do we do this?!
We do this because another hallmark of perfectionism is FIXED MINDSET.
Fixed mindset is the (often unconscious, and always erroneous) belief that our skills and abilities are fixed and can’t be improved with experience and strategic effort.
This causes the perfectionist to (again, erroneously) conclude that if they can’t do something perfectly on their first try, it means they’ll never be able to do it well, and that all they will have accomplished in trying is exposing their inadequacy.
As a result, they tend to avoid challenges as potential threats to their self-worth, hide from or get defensive when confronted with anything less than entirely positive feedback, and quickly give up when they encounter setbacks or disappointments, concluding they just don’t have what it takes.
On the other hand, people with a GROWTH MINDSET know that their skills and abilities are malleable and can be increased with effort and practice (something which has been confirmed time and time again by both science and experience).
Accordingly, they deliberately SEEK OUT novel and challenging experiences because they know that it’s only by venturing outside their comfort zone that they can learn, grow, and ultimately maximize their potential.
Also, rather than viewing failure as a catastrophic ENDPOINT, they accept it – even if they don’t necessarily enjoy it (let’s be real here, no one does) – because they KNOW that they can not only REBOUND from it, but also derive MEANING and INSIGHT from the experience and then USE that knowledge to climb even higher than they would have otherwise.
In other words, they know that they can’t REALLY f*ck up, they can only find out:
Find out what worked well in their initial attempt, and what they might do differently next time to improve
Find out that the world won’t collapse if they don’t nail something on the first try
Find out that no one (except them) expects impossible levels of perfection from them on their first attempt
Find out they they ARE indeed capable of weathering disappointment, and that if they adopt a curious mindset, growth and development will virtually always lie on the other side
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the research shows that people with a growth mindset are not only happier and healthier, they are more resilient to stress and adversity, and enjoy greater success in both academic and professional settings.
Fortunately for us recovering type A+ perfectionists, the research shows that fixed mindsets are NOT in fact fixed, and that even someone with the most deeply-ingrained fixed mindset can GROW their growth mindset.
All this requires is:
Recognizing, on at least an intellectual level, that you ARE capable of improving your skills and abilities with practice and strategic effort (if you REALLY think you can’t do this, make a list of all the instances in the past where you grew proficient or even mastered something that you initially found difficult, and/or watch this short YouTube clip on the neuroscience of learning); and
Being courageous enough to acknowledge your fear, but move forward anyway, meeting any instinctive thoughts about failure or defeat with self-compassion and curiosity about how the present experience can lead to growth.
Pro tip(s): Check out this Self-Compassion Guide for exercises that will help you build your self-compassion muscle. To tackle the curiosity piece, try tacking the word “yet” on the end of whatever thought you have next time you experience a challenge or setback - for instance, “I can’t do this YET.” This will prompt you to consider the logical follow-up questions of What CAN you learn from this situation? and What CAN you do to move closer to your goal?, rather than throwing in the towel as might have otherwise.
So today, my friend, I encourage you to honestly ask yourself,
What task or goal have you been putting off or avoiding because you’re scared you won’t have what it takes?
Once you’ve identified it, I encourage you to take a deep breath, acknowledge your fear (because it WILL be scary as hell - and that’s ok!), and take that first step anyway, reminding yourself that you cannot f*ck up, you can only find out.
As always, don’t hesitate to reach out if I can support you in any way in taking that step. In the meanwhile, know that I am rooting for you and that I believe in you to the utmost!
With love,
Jordana
