Here’s to Taking Up Space
Hi Friend,
I came across a quote a few weeks ago that I haven’t been able to get out of my mind:
“They tried to bury us. They didn’t know we were seeds.”
The first thing it reminded me of was something my dad said to me early in my career when I felt defeated, hopeless, and trapped beneath someone who was rooting for me to fail, seemingly because they simply did not want me to succeed. He said, “Jordana, hang in there. Cream rises to the top.” More on that below…
The next thing it got me thinking about was how much of my life I’ve spent trying to be small.
I don’t just mean small in a physical sense (though the myriad pressures surrounding appearance that leave so many of us at war with our bodies could easily be another post for another day). Rather, I mean it in a much broader, metaphorical, or even spiritual sense encompassing all aspects of my being.
That being said, I think an example involving physical size might help give you a sense of what I mean.
I remember once feeling proud of my small size when I was able to squeeze into a seat on a packed subway without disturbing the other passengers. In that instance, my perceived virtue boiled down to not taking up space so that others could enjoy their own. While this might make sense on a crowded subway, I’ve realized that this experience reflects a deep-seated tendency that’s pervaded other areas of my life, and which I imagine I might share with other Recovering Type A+ Perfectionists.
To give you just a few examples:
Staying Small Manifestation #1: Suppressing Negative Emotions
The thinking goes something like this: Other people are already dealing with a whole host of their own problems – the last thing they want or need is for you to pile on. So forget the fact that you, too, are human, and that you may feel like screaming or sobbing inside. Do everything you can to not rock the boat, put on a happy face, and maybe, just maybe, if you’re just good enough, they’ll be so happy with you that all of these problems will go away.
Staying Small Manifestation #2: Banishing Boundaries
Here, the chronic people-pleasing gymnastics continues… What’s the most surefire way to guarantee someone likes you? Always say yes to whatever it is they want. Already at capacity? No problem. Just shrink your own wants and needs down to make room for theirs.
Staying Small Manifestation #3: Playing it Safe
This one is a little less obvious and intuitive. You might be wondering: Why is the self-acknowledged Recovering Type A+ Perfectionist talking about keeping herself small? Isn’t raging over-achieving pretty much synonymous with trying to stand out?
Well, not exactly.
You see, my overachieving was of a very precise variety. It involved striving to fit myself into a very specific, unyielding mold of the successful person I thought I should be. This inevitably left zero room not only for error, but also for authenticity or self-expression. It makes sense – if your main goal is to color within the lines of someone else’s ideal, it helps to keep your strokes (and in turn, yourself) as small as possible.
Looking back, I can now see that a core problem with all of these tendencies is that by viewing myself in the negative – by hinging my worth on my ability to not take up space – I’ve prevented myself from adding my greatest value. From bestowing the unique gifts that I can only give when I allow myself to be my authentic unbridled self.
I like to think that these images capture two examples of my authentic unbridled self :)
It is no surprise then that my greatest achievements – the times I’ve truly achieved my vision of success on my very own terms – have come only once I permitted myself to start taking up space.
So going back to what my dad said about cream rising to the top. While I see where he was going with that, I actually think it’s a bit misleading.
Because it doesn’t happen all by itself.
A person who’s been trained and ingrained to keep herself small does not just rise up from the ashes without assistance. Instead, like a seed, she requires adequate nutrients and a hospitable environment in which to regain her strength and grow.
For me, this has taken the form of self-care, self-compassion, and supportive friends and family who have lit up my life with their kindness and encouragement, and in turn, empowered me to shine my light on others.
So today, my friend, I encourage you to ask yourself:
Where in your life are you keeping yourself small? And what are you depriving both yourself and the world of by doing so?
Then commit to one step you can take right now to start taking up space.
If that feels scary (which, if you’re anything like me, it totally will), remember you do not have to do it alone, and there’s at least one fellow Recovering Type A+ Perfectionist over here in your corner cheering you on.
So if this resonates with you, or if you feel you could use some additional support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to let me know. Alone, we may just be little seeds, but together, we are unstoppable.
With love,
Jordana
